SBI - State Bank of India or Surrounded By Incompetence

A few months ago I decided to check my SBI (State Bank of India) bank account status and to open a new deposit account. The toughest thing about this task – its having to stand in line at a State Bank of India branch. Over the years, India has lost many potential investors simply because they couldn’t handle the intensity and range of emotions that an SBI experience took them through. Nothing prepares you for a life of dealing with a hopeless bunch of SBI employees who do not give a fuck about what you want.
When you enter an SBI outlet, you will notice a man your grandpas age carrying a double barrel gun. This is called security. Because really, nothing makes me feel more secure than a man needing a cataract operation carrying weapons from the sets of Mangal Pandey. When was the last time you saw dacoits charging in on horses trying to loot a branch in Bandra? Wouldn’t it look fantastic when a bunch of thieves come in with quick loading handguns and shoot the place down and our man is busy trying to find bullets somewhere inside his medicine box? Isn’t it easier to buy a walking stick instead of a double barrel if they’re used for the same purpose? I know! Why don’t we just keep cannons inside the outlet? Seriously, that’ll scare them! Cannons! Even our man will look more authentic standing next to one. Not like anyone is going to museums in India, plus the kids will have fun shoving their heads inside the barrel instead of running around like puppies on crack trying to scratch a tick on their ass.

You will then meet the employees. You know how in superhero movies a mad scientist always inserts a serum inside a human body which goes terribly wrong and creates the villain? That’s what Defence Research & Development Organisation (DRDO) does with State Bank of India employees. Able-bodied individuals are taken from each state and inserted with a serum that makes them equally shitty no matter which state or branch you have the misfortune of visiting. They’re like human Mig-21s. I’m surprised every employee doesn’t have a serial number (SBI-05-3304/172) written with a chalk on their forehead like every computer desktop, almirah, metal chair and everything else that is classified as government infrastructure. There’s a fun game I like to play when I’m at SBI i.e. spot the employee who’ll keel over and die of diabetes first.

SBI branches operate on a crucial principal i.e. every branch will have multiple counters out of which only ONE will be functional. Other counters will either be empty mocking your existence or have employees sitting around drinking chai refusing to do your work. It’s the governmental equivalent of showing rebellion by wearing a Che t-shirt. You then stand in a "queue" flanked by two people on either side whose only job is to somehow cut in front of you if the opportunity arises. They are usually older, have a big cyst on their scalp and pull every emotional card they know. The first includes not saying a word – just looking at you every three seconds and grinning nonchalantly. The second is the emotional card of having to deposit money into a distant relative’s account who has blood cancer (a trope from 80s Bollywood where for some reason that’s all people got) and won’t be able to recover if a sum of 900 rupees isn’t deposited immediately. The third is when they realise they have an account in Central Bank of India and not SBI and that they just wasted theirs and everyone else’s time. Finally after an hour when your turn finally comes, an employee will emerge from the back bearing prasad from a recent trip to a religious centre which will then lead to a 30 minute conversation between the chai drinking employees about all the religious centres they have ever visited and which offered the best prayer conversion rate so their mother in laws would get herpes and kids wouldn’t have to work in an SBI. There are higher chances of Narendra Modi getting a U.S. visa in one shot than your work getting done at these ironically named "single window" counters. When they say 0% interest, they’re talking about how they feel about their work.

What this waiting period does provide however is a chance to reflect on the deeper, more existential questions in life. For example, why does an SBI poster of a fixed deposit always feature a white baby doing shit like growing a plant? First off its not an Indian baby if it doesn’t have a black circular spot on the forehead atleast 40 cm in diameter that will miraculously save it from ill will. When was the last time you saw a baby who was fond of gardening? An accurate representation would be a baby eating mud and shitting itself crying while the parents pull their hair out trying to access their fixed deposit. Why does Syndicate Bank have a dog as their logo? Why do I know things like Syndicate bank having a dog as their logo? Will Syndicate bank be successful in Korea because people love eating dogs? Am I supposed to be turned on by the aunty counting money in slow motion while constantly licking her finger?

While in that queue, an aunty saw me carrying my deposit application form and started chatting me up. I say chatting me up because it sounds sexier than using the word conversation.

Beta, you’re applying for the new fixed deposit

(Nahi, mujhe shauk hai teen ghante logon ka hair oil smell karne ka) Yes aunty

My son is also applying. Except he is at home sleeping and I am here.
Waise what do you do?
Aunty unemployed (I lied because prankster and Twitter are not socially acceptable answers)
At this point aunty looked at me as if I was Lalloo Prasad's testicle and turned away.

I would never step foot in an SBI ever again. I hope you never have to either, unless you have an account in the State Bank of Travancore. You know your bank is shit when the kingdom its named after doesn’t even exist.

Fat or Big is Beautiful

It’s time I came to terms with it.
I’m fat.
I’m not the "let’s stare at him his ass is so huge he probably shat and doesn’t realise its still stuck in his crack" fat. When you’re Shashi Kapoor fat, you and the world both know that there is no hope and everyone can place bets on when the person will keel over and die in the middle of a meal without any guilt. However when you’re wearing an additional size to cover the paunch and seatbelts accentuate your titlets™ fat, there is always hope that somehow, someday it will become better. People tell you that it’s easy to get rid of. When you bathe you can still see your penis when you look down and tell yourself all is not lost. It is then when you accidentally run your hand to the fat cliff underneath your navel and realise that you didn’t know this area existed till a few weeks ago. You then cry in the shower, realising you need the same mirrors mall security use to check underneath cars for bombs to see portions of your own stomach.

Of course, one does not become fat overnight. On some level, I am almost proud of my titlets because I have seen them grow over time. I imagine this is what women feel like when they’re pregnant. Somewhat glowing, somewhat proud, somewhat indulgent in unnecessary squeez..never mind. However, I have noticed the following changes in my lifestyle ever since I have become aware of my fatness.
Dietary patterns: An essential aspect of being fat but pretending as if you’re working on losing weight are internal dietary compromises one makes with the brain. Old Monk starts being paired with diet coke, which is as good as defiling the grave of all your life’s greatest memories. Sugarless coffee suddenly becomes the norm and one pretends as if they were part of an American sitcom where everyone spends their mornings walking around New York with a coffee cup. Fried food becomes a strict no no, till one realises that the only way to finish an Old Monk with Diet Coke is by supplementing it with fried food.
All of this to satiate the brain into believing that the number of calories being consumed has been reduced even though absolute consumption of food remains the same if not more. My personal favourite has been replacing regular sugar with sugar free, whose tag line might as well be "WE TOLD YOU YOU’D LOSE WEIGHT, WE JUST NEVER SAID IT WOULD BE BECAUSE OF CHEMO!"

Clothes: One of the toughest things about being in India is caste discrimination, female foeticide, poverty, malnutrition not being able to find clothes your size if you’re fat. I already faced this problem before, but becoming fat means that I am forced to look at acquiring a U.S. visa. The problem is that even if you wear a size 40, it isn’t big enough because of the increased shamiana like titlets and paunch pulling up the cloth from its appropriate length. I presume this is why so many old people across India can be seen in the morning wearing tight, ill-fitting vests with their navels exposed while spitting out a blowjob level daatun paste. I am happy to report that I am getting the perfect training for that future. Size 40 is now too small. Very few manufacturers make a 40 and above, and the ones who do seem to have no sense of taste. It’s almost like Indian manufacturers got together and thought "Chal na pehle hi saala itna mota hai who cares what he is wearing he will still look fuckall just give him the leftover drapes".


It is virtually impossible to pull off the hipster look. While black plastic framed glasses work effectively, bright coloured chinos and other such clothing items that are essential to depict the "I’m a youthful commodity buy me buy me!" look to potential clients in Mumbai is hard to achieve, thus placing one at a disadvantage. Black however, is your amazing best friend. Not because it makes you look slim but because black doesn’t look very dirty in public even if you wear it four times without washing it.

Finally, I realised that I’ve reached the stage where I suck in my stomach around women without even realising it. More than women, the other day I caught myself sucking it in when a delivery guy came over with pizza. First off, what is the point of involuntarily sucking in my stomach if after that I'm still fat? It’s almost like even if I’m not my body is too ashamed to let the delivery boy know that I eat too much. I make a "don’t judge me" face and try and communicate with my eyes that it is infact, thin crust, but they don’t seem to buy it. At my age where people have already starting playing Chinese whispers (Am I the only one who thinks the term Chinese whispers is like a communist sanitary pad that each woman in the village has to share for the greater good?) with the M word, it is especially important that I stay fit so that my future partner does not have to deal with my jelly.

When I was in school I had a two-year period where I was rather fat and photogenically challenged. I didn’t get bullied or made fun of, except this one time where I tried to bowl in a cricket match after a long time and realised I couldn’t extract any pace from my run up. That for the simple fact that I couldn’t run fast enough and delivered a series of Nehras. I outgrew that phase in a year because of a magical growth in height. I wonder what will happen now, and how ill get out of this jam. Oooo…jam.

My Inspiring Thoughts!

People always say, "Hey, Rob, what's the toughest part about keeping a blog? Is it coming up with things to write about? Keeping a regular schedule? Keeping it fresh?" Actually, the hardest part for me is remembering the password. So after a few tries, I'm back in! And, boy, do I have some thoughts!

For instance, they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Actually, it depends. Because I find that some watermelon each day keeps sex away. And ever since I started fermented potatoes, I have yet to run into a cardiologist. Coincidence?

Like Mary, I used to have a little lamb. Unlike Mary, that sucker got butchered i and had some delicious mutton for a week. (It wasn't so little). Hey, don't blame me, blame the dumb lamb.

I didn't get much accomplished at work this week, but that's never something I worry about since time isn't real.

Sleepwalking is old news. Lately I've been sleep belly dancing. I know this because when I wake up, my obliques are as sore as they were when I was exercising my way to more sculpted abs in that belly dance fitness class at the local gym. Also, my neighbor saw me.

I've been thinking about getting a new look: more hair. But not in a place you would think.

All this time I've been telling people I have a Masters in Humanities cause I thought that was just a made-up word. Turns out there's actually a course like that, and now I've gotta give a lecture in Sharjah.

This morning I woke up with two thought-provoking questions: "How come my feet are cold? It's roasting outside," and "can you put socks in the toaster?"

One last thought: There's no such thing as a free lunch, but if you go to the Holiday Inn on Airport Road between 6 and 10 in the morning there's a continental breakfast and they don't ask questions if you carry a suitcase and some old plane tickets and look like you're in a rush.

Relationship Limbo!

I’m somewhat emotionally distraught right now after having eaten a dirty bowl of Gobhi Manchurian from a restaurant called “Shree Krishna Veg”; and whenever I think of Gobhi Manchurian, I think of love. So that’s what I’ll talk about in this post.

I’ve been exposed to a new kind of sentiment recently which I don’t know how to respond to. Scouring through the relationship section of this blog didn’t reveal any answers or historical context in how to grapple with this (social scientists call this act of dissecting existing text on an issue a “literature review” – but I’m so awesome my review only consisted of my own damn blog) So what I’ll do is talk about how it makes me feel and hopefully get your opinion on it in the name of audience interaction.

The situation:

This situation is what one calls the relationship limbo.

Scientific definition: Relationship limbo is when two people, usually friends, attracted to each other with variable intensities (one wanting it more than the other) are left in a constant state of flux and reassessment of underlying power structures after an official declaration of affection disrupts this equation by attempting to expand to a higher emotional terrain inorganically.

Relationship limbo is exactly like limbo in the movie Inception i.e. your heart is absolutely spellbound by what is unraveling in front of you and you want to continue watching because it’s all so intriguing, you can’t really figure whether your world is real or fake and in both cases there is no sex involved.

In layman’s terms:

Person X: Hey I just wanted to tell you I really like you

Person Y: I like you too…I just don’t know what it means though…also..I don’t like you as much as you like me…but I want to be friends because you’re awesome and who knows something might happen because we have something

Person X: #FFFFFUUUUUUUU

Why relationship limbo sucks:

You can’t be an asshole: I’m a firm believer in the fact that the best way to deal with most situations in life is by being an asshole. In this situation however, you’re fucked because you can’t be an asshole to people if you genuinely care about them. I know this is paradoxical, because the people you care about the most at one point of time in your life (including friends, family or lovers) invariably end up being the maximum recipents from your Flipkart shit dispenser – but this is where you open iTunes and play George Michael’s Faith and hope that this time would be different.

Being an asshole in this situation for example would be suddenly starting to hate the person for not responding to your advances or devaluing the basis for your friendship. And here is where one needs to make a clear distinction about not being an asshole. If you’re not being one simply because you’re hoping something might happen in the future in which case you want to play your cards right like it’s a game – you’re doing it wrong. I think that is perhaps my only learning from all my flaming piles of relationships – people are more important than the labels to ascribe to them and that if you really care about them you wouldn’t let them go. I imagine when you’re 21 you think you have your whole life ahead of you and that makes you reckless with the people you meet and your intentions, but at 25, probably not.

There are no right answers to the question of space: In conventional relationships, when people need space there are clear demarcations of things that you can and cannot do. It is understood that you shouldn’t call or text or email and generally get in someone’s face if they don’t want to. Requests for space in relationship limbo however are totally different because the fact that you’re friends and within the same workplace/social group/university etc always keeps you in proximity. This makes it next to impossible to know when to bring up or not bring up an issue, reading signs given that in the back of your head they’re somewhat attracted to you too and how much is too much. So if you don’t know how to tip toe around this – there are massive chances of you being classified as an asshole which is something you absolutely do not want.

You’ve to be alright all the bloody time: Relationship limbo leaves you emotionally exhausted as you swing from utter elation over something as random as a sweet text message to OMG IM GOING TO STAB SOMEONE IN THE MOUTH at realizing that it probably means nothing at all within a space of 49 seconds. This is then supplemented by joy at seeing things work out between people in movies and imagining yourself in that situation to feeling like shit like you just discovered the diamond you got studded in your tooth was actually a piece of glass that the dentist conned you into buying – again within the space of the same hour. These PMS worthy swings happen everyday – and despite how good you think you are you cannot control them from screwing up your system. This is when you realise that the only time you are sane is when you’re around him/her, which is pathetic because it can turn into a notion of dependency which is dangerous for your ego and sense of being. Did I mention how all of this only happens AFTER you’ve managed to stop feeling that life is unfair? Fun stuff.

You can’t fault anyone or anything: Relationship limbo, although enmating from a state of uneven levels of attraction between friends also amalgamates every other fear into one big massive ball of doubt that forms a lump in your throat even if part of your heart is starting to melt (Fuck, that was awesome prose. Someone offer me a book deal) This includes, like I mentioned already – fear of ruining the existing relationship, its implications on one’s circle at large and how they would perceive that decision, fear of making the wrong decisions or rushing in too quick etc etc. The problem is that these are all valid concerns for anyone to have and thus cannot be brushed under the carpet as easily as beating up a third guy who decides to hit on your chick. This fearball moves in to disrupt whatever fleeting moments of courage one might have to want to give in to their gut or try something new – thus controlling the individual and their actions in its entirety.

You need to give it time: Because the situation isn't as easy as one person not being attracted to other at all and feels some connection that they can't describe - they go with the obvious choice of waiting and giving it time to be able to determine what it means for them. Time however, can be a piece of shit because it turns the other into an insecure mess living off Oprah and Alanis Morissette. This is because notions of time in relationships are usually associated (in my age group) with healing and moving on rather than focussing on it as a positive associated with growth and understanding each other in depth. Time also kills spontaneity in conjunction with the fearball because you're too busy trying to place relationship limbo in context with your existence instead of living in that moment and enjoying what it has brought to you. And not living in that moment is perhaps the biggest tragedy of it all. But all you can do is suck it up, because if you're willing to wait, and if it is worth it you will, you have no other option. It is, I imagine, much much sweeter though.

Have you ever been in limbo? How did you get out of it? What’s your story? Discuss.

Bhatti Sir!

I’m not one to get emotional when someone dies, so here goes.

It feels surreal writing this today, a year and few months after we lost another underrated and under-celebrated star – Vivek Shauq. But that’s the similarity between death and comedy – the element of surprise.

I’ve often stated that Bhatti was one of my comedic influences, but he remains something more. As a child, he was “my” guy. The televisual space, which seemed oddly removed from reality because it never seemed to show people who looked like my elders and me saw him come along and change all of that. He was the smartest, funniest and kindest person in the room, and he legitimized my identity that was hit everyday in the playground by other kids who were fed a diet of sardars being stupid. And while today I’m a non-believer and my cultural identity remains an afterthought, I would in all likelihood have been a different person had it not been for re-runs of Ulta Pulta and Flop Show. It breaks my heart that I couldn’t tell him this in person, but I hope he knows what he did for my generation.

 

While many will remember Flop Show (to my mind the funniest show on Indian television – one whose stories were so strong that they remain relevant today) and his various Bollywood cameos, I hope they also remember him for his street theatre. While many would laugh and scoff at his tactics, few comedians and satirists have had the gall to consistently venture into the public domain to inaugurate faux foundation stone factories, press for legalizing corruption and other absurdities - much to the amusement of passers by.  The fact that he was forced to apologise to a Chandigarh Shiv Sena branch in 2011 who took offence at his statements against corruption tell us how increasingly intolerant we’re becoming to humor, but he stayed at it without fuss.

Bhatti sir remained subtle, understated and effective. He has a lot to teach young comics, if only they care to watch. Sadly however, not many of us go back our roots. And maybe our lot doesn’t deserve to have someone like him around us.

I said this when I wrote about Vivek Shauq’s demise, and I feel it needs to be said again.

“India does not respect its artists. That comedians languish at the bottom of the artistic pile is an even bigger statement on our society. Maybe it’s because Indian comics aren’t like they used to be. Maybe society hammers us into delivering what it wants and doesn’t leave us with any other options. But the one thing we can do is honour some of our unsung heroes who deserve a lot more respect and recognition than they are accorded.”

I will miss him terribly, but before that I’d probably go watch Mahaul Theek Hai once more and laugh like an idiot. I presume that’s how he’d want it. 

 

Courtesy: Gkhamba

The Last Action Hero

As it turns out, apart from being the World ‘We did it for Sachin Tendulkar’ day, 2nd April is also Ajay Devgan’s birthday.

There was a time in the early nineties during my formative years(though the quantity of formation that happened in those formative years is debatable) when I was a die-hard Ajay Devgan fan. I mean, after mom convinced me that I cannot possibly be Sunny Deol ever, even if they feed me Complan intravenously. Those were tough times and I needed a new hero, a new idol. And Ajay Devgan dirtbiked into my life.

(Classy since 1990)

For a scrawny teenager with a before-fairness-challenges complexion and side-parted hair, Ajay Devgan was the perfect idol. When Jigar released, I was regularly practicing fake jujitsu in the shower, throwing hamam soap in the air and karatechopping them and fighting neighbourhood kids with blindfolded eyes. All this without a promise of a Karishma Kapoor. Not only did this boost my self-confidence, it also helped me lose all those milk teeth.

But my devotion for Ajay Devgan steadly increased. He was after all a rage. His wikipedia page will tell you how he won the Filmfare Male Debut award for Phool aur Kante. I can tell you that two of my friends lost their groins while trying to emulate his bike stunts. He was the alpha and the omega at that time. All the angry young men in the industry were getting old and Ajay and others were quickly replacing them, taking action to another level. In those times, one of the most challenging roles in the industry was that of Ajay Devgan’s sister, what with all the Mohinish Behls of the industry running after them. And while he suffered huge losses on his family side(taking adequate revenge during climax), he continued to romance the best of the industry. Raveena Tandon, Sonali Bendre, Karishma Kapoor, Madhuri, Madhu, Sonali Bendre, Twinkle Khanna, Manisha Koirala, Sonali Bendre, Aishwarya Rai. You name them and Ajay Devgan had them behind a few trees and flowers.

Of course then he went on and did one brave thing after another. Like marrying Kajol. Imagine that shrieking voice early in the morning. I have trouble believing that Veeru Devgan is still alive and has not died by death-by-repeated-calls-of-Bauji. Ajay Devgan is a pioneer in the true sense of the word. There was a certain subtlety to his ways, the way he did his romance or the way he did his action. Or the way he danced.

He brought pride to the name ‘Raju’, which until then was reserved for Chaiwallahs and raddiwallahs. He is one of the few Bollywood actors who can act both with and without a mustache. We all know what happened when Anil Kapoor tried acting without a mustache. Kumar Sanu almost owes his entire career to Ajay Devgan.

Ajay Devgan was one of the best things to have happened to Bollywood in the 90s. Till he developed an aversion to vowels and started acting in movies like Rascal.

But here is wishing a very belated happy birthday to Ajay Devgan of the 90s. The way I’d like to remember him.

The Marriage Aptitude Test

It’s a know phenomenon that it’s difficult to understand women. In the context of “Women rule the world”, I’m hoping that the day will soon arrive when women will ask their guy to take the following test:

1. Write a snark-free essay on one of the following (3000+ words):
1. My emotions right now
2. Foreplay
2. Describe the appearance of your ideal woman, starting with her shoes. Actually, just the shoes—the rest, I know.
3. Critique the outfits I wore on our last 7 dates (skip the 3rd and 5th most recent dates; add more detail about the 6th.)
4. Write a hypothetical conversation between you and any one of my girl-friends, where she will find you cute, endearing, sexy, funny and attractive, but not flirty; she should feel herself attracted to you, while realizing that she is definitely not your type.
5. Draw a dinner fork, a teaspoon and a tablespoon. To scale.
6. List (all questions compulsory):
1. 10 colors that are not in the rainbow, or in a box of crayons.
2. 10 things you can do that my mom will find cute (bonus points for listing things that I haven’t told you).
3. All our anniversaries and important days (use additional sheets if necessary).
4. All festivals when you are not permitted to discuss religion, or give any variant of your “how 99% of the world’s religions are already extinct” speech.
5. 10 friends—besides members of your “band”—that you think you will need to phase out of your life, once we’re married. (Do not include friends that have already been phased out.)
7. Write the last joke you will ever make about my brother’s writing, clothing or preference for drinking warm water.
8. Describe your favorite book of all time, and discuss how it could be improved to match Gone With The Wind.
9. Describe in brief all your ex-girlfriends. Attach their pictures. All the pictures. And gifts, etc. Basically everything that’s in “the box.” Just attach the whole box.
10. Under what circumstances are you permitted to lie to me ? (One word or less.)

Pic Courtesy - www.cartoonstock.com

Return To The Bay Of Pigs!

A long, long time ago, (on my old blog), I had written a piece on how men can be more successful in wooing women. I had come across a lot of men who had complained to me about the difficulties they were facing when trying to talk to a woman or flirt with a woman.

Recently, a close stranger read this post (titled ‘Bay Of Pigs’) and decided to write a rebuttal for each of the points, this time from a woman’s perspective. What started out as an experiment in killing time soon became an insightful glimpse into the mind of women, what they think of men and what they expect from a man when he tries to flirt.

You need to read the original post for this to make sense, because in the interest of time and keeping in mind my readers with attention deficit disorders, I’ve edited those parts of this article that belong to the original.

Bay Of Pigs: Redux

(Note: The text in italicized black is part of the original post, while the text in Italics belongs to the stranger, the woman who wanted to argue. Any mistakes in spelling or grammar are entirely my own and not the fault of the guest author.)

Men are pigs.

They say that God created Man because he was bored and that He created Woman because he needed a challenge. Man is the blueprint while Woman is the masterpiece. [...] Men can consider this post as an eye-opener and take stock of what qualities they lack, and women can consider this post as an easy read and be amazed at my insight into the female mind.

Men are pigs. Truer words were never spoken!

1. Sense of humor: Most women look for funny men. But be warned, being funny does not mean cracking inane jokes and making complete idiots of yourself. It’s the wit that counts and not your ability to remember jokes. [...] Just make sure you’re laughing with them, and recognize when they’re laughing at you!

A good sense of humour does appear to be amongst the top 3 of “what women want”, and the author appears to have it figured out. I think this is what most women want. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want a man that can make me laugh as such, rather, I like it when a man can keep it simple. By this I mean, a light and easy-going conversation is favored. I am the kind of person that is rather shameless, and have no qualms about laughing at myself. Men seem to love making jokes at the expense of the ladies around them, and get terribly disappointed when it isn’t received well by their female counterpart. In that regard, I am a good subject of jokes, I would say, because I almost always laugh along.

2. Build: Women are very realistic unlike men, and they know that not all men can have a body as hot as Arnie and Stallone. [...] We men need to be realistic, and not stupidly optimistic. All women are hot, no exceptions!

Let me make this clear – most women do not aspire to be at the arm of men like Arnie; Stallone maybe, but not because of his build! Men are the only ones that want Arnie bodies. I wouldn’t want a “flabby piece of shapeless dough” (I’m shallow that way) I would like a fit guy though. Let’s face it – they’re so much more fun to look at, and show off! We women tend to look awesome pretty much all of the time (unless we’re caught in midst of beauty treatments like face masks or oily hair) and men need to realise they should at least try to live up to the standard we set so early on. Digressing from build, allow me also to add that well-groomed (which means well dressed, clean and smelling good, just in case you’re clueless) is what we’re looking for. So if you’re going to show up in denims and a sweatshirt, make sure you look cute while you’re at it, would you?

3. Chivalry: The concept of chivalry, for most men, stops at holding the door open to women. Wake up, men! That’s not all what women look for in the chivalry department. [...] It takes great skill and greater patience to hold your own and also defend her while arguing in a group.

Ah! This is the tricky one. You don’t want to be chivalrous to a point where we constantly feel like damsels with faint hearts,  but you don’t want to be so aloof that we feel like you don’t care. It has to be just the right amount. That’s all I will say here. Why should we make it easy for you all the way?

4. Possessiveness: Women like men to be possessive about them. It makes them feel special and wanted. [...] For more advice on this, mail me.

Do men actually enjoy being possessive? Oh yes, you have the whole Neanderthal way of expressing ownership. You might as well pee all over us to state we’re “yours”! I personally don’t like possessive men. If a guy were to “tell me at every opportunity that they’re….” yaaaaaaaawn.. Oh MY, I think I just dozed off there a second! No no noooo! I really don’t want to hear that, I’d probably end up punching you in the nose!

5. Music: Women hate tone-deaf men. Every woman has a particular taste in music and it may not always match with yours. [...] Listen to her favorite tracks with her, and encourage her to play it again if she wants to. You can pull your hair out later, when you’re alone.

Looking at the next point I’d like to say, mood music is very important – make it sensuous, trust me, you’ll enjoy it too (if you can get past the fact that you’re getting it on!) I don’t know about most women’s taste in music, but I’m always open to listening to new genres of music. In fact, most of the music I listen to today was introduced to me by men. If you don’t listen to death metal and the screeching, banging sort, I’m good to go. Some women really seem to enjoy sappy music, and that’s where I think you men should just take a stance and say, “hell no!” (and knock some sense into your lady’s head, please!)

6. Sex: Do not, I repeat, do not push the woman for a physical relationship. Women are very, very careful in this matter and if you push the wrong buttons (no puns intended) you come across as a sexually-frustrated despo! Be careful!

You have to tread carefully in this department. Women may say they are alright with casual sex, and want no strings, etc. but trust me, they almost always hope that strings will develop, that they dazzle you with their sexual skills, and you’ll fall in love with them. Sometimes that does happen, but I’ve noticed that men are capable of knowing the difference and maintaining it, women are NOT. I would suggest, if you really like the girl, take it at an easy pace in this department, and things will fall into place nicely.

7. Family Values: Most women like men who have good family values. Respect her parents and her family and she will like you all the more. Never ever call her dad “Dude!” or “Old Man!” because that will being down your brownie points!

What gets to me the most about a lot of Indian men is that they’re “mumma’s boys” and they want their partners to be as domestically awesome as their mothers. It’s all very well that you love your folks, in fact, I endorse it, but come on – recognize! I don’t know about other women, but that’s a big turn off for me. On the other hand, I don’t expect that my partner will get along brilliantly with my folks. It’s almost a universal fact that there will be friction between them. That’s what keeps life interesting, eh?

(On an entirely unrelated note – what exactly are brownie points? Am I allowed to cash them in for an actual brownie or two?)

8. Perseverance: Women like to be pursued with vigor. They hate being ‘flung’ around, if you know what I mean. [...] Trust me, it works!

This one’s true, makes us feel special and adds the whole romantic movie atmosphere to real life. Lots of fun! Keep it real, don’t be a big pile of mush, because that gets old real quick. We like to be shy and coy and play hard to get – it makes the whole deal feel that much more special. Indulge us, would you?

9. Fighting: Fights are inevitable in every relationship, and when there are situations where you know that the reason is trivial, just take the blame. [...] You do not blame the woman!

Don’t be irrational, that’s all. We are always right, that’s true, but we would get suspicious if you always agree – we’re smart that way. And that would lead to a whole new set of fights! So pick your battles, men, put your ego aside, in fact, maybe its best if you forget you have one, while you’re with us!

10. The Ex- factor: Do not, I repeat, do not maintain contacts with your ex- girlfriends while you’re pursuing a woman, or when you’re in another relationship. [...]

Hmmm, this one is a bit tricky. If you’re staying in the same city as your ex, and have common friends, you are bound to run into her, right? What we want to see is that you’re over her, and there is no residual anything for her. You’re better off if you cut all contact, unless you want to see us turn into raging lunatics? Oh and by the way, we’re complete hypocrites about our own exes – we will want to remain “friends” with ours, and you’re not allowed to protest. So there.

Good luck. Live long and prosper. If you didn’t understand that, you’re no fun, and you’re not a geek, which is what women want! (Or do we?)

AUTHOR’S NOTE

It takes great literary skill and greater convincing skills to get a chance to write for. To have successfully passed all the barriers and made it on to this forum, I would like to personally extend a warm greeting to the lovely stranger (who has expressed her wish to remain anonymous) for her time and effort in helping men pick up women.

One beer coming your way, ma’am.

We are open for comments, opinions and brickbats, which I will deftly deflect in the stranger’s direction.

Bay of Pigs! :)

Men are pigs.

They say that God created Man because he was bored and that He created Woman because he needed a challenge. Come to think of it, this is rather true. Man is the blueprint while Woman is the masterpiece. There have been posts and books and speeches and movies about what a woman wants in a man, but none of them match up to the extensive research that I have done on the subject. There are a variety of different aspects to a man that a woman looks for, and not all of them are very obvious. Over the past 24 years of my life, I’ve come across different women with different tastes but there are a few that are common to every woman. Men can consider this post as an eye-opener and take stock of what qualities they lack, and women can consider this post as an easy read and be amazed at my insight into the female mind. 

1. Sense of humor: Most women look for funny men, and this is where I am serious competition to most of you guys out there!  But be warned, being funny does not mean cracking inane jokes and making complete idiots of yourself. It’s the wit that counts and not your ability to remember jokes. Every situation can be turned around to your advantage while talking to women, and you need to make sure that you don’t overdo the funny-guy act. I’ve preached about this before, and I say it again – make sure you’re laughing with them, and recognize when they’re laughing at you! 

2. Build: Women are very realistic unlike men, and they know that not all men can have a body as hot as Arnie and Stallone. Women do not always look for a well-built, muscular body in a man. You may be a flabby piece of shapeless dough or you could be a thin stick, it doesn’t matter to most women as long as you can live up to the other requirements. Of course, having a sexy body comes as an added advantage.  This is where we men need to learn, and stop looking for Katrina Kaifs and Jenna Jamesons in every woman we meet. We need to be realistic, and not stupidly optimistic. All women are hot, no exceptions! 

3. Chivalry: The concept of chivalry, for most men, stops at holding the door open to women. Wake up, men! That’s not all what women look for in the chivalry department. While walking with a woman on the road, you need to let her walk on the safer side, thus ensuring that you protect her from the splash of water when a vehicle zooms by and also to ensure that you protect her from the occasional hit-and-run, by taking the hit yourself.  Chivalry also can be very subtly displayed by defending her arguments, even if you don’t believe in them, while in a group. this doesn’t mean that you become a sneaky yes-man to the woman. It takes great skill and greater patience to hold your own and also defend her while arguing in a group. Women like that in a man, someone who can argue with confidence and the moment you start backing her arguments, you become her ally. 

4. Possessiveness: Women like men to be possessive about them. It makes them feel special and wanted. Don’t overdo this, because then you would look like a psycho stalker!  Tell her at every opportunity that you’re there for her and that you’d go out of your way to help her out and make her feel that you’re an irreplaceable part of her daily routine. Again, it takes great skill to achieve this, and for more advice on this, mail me. 

5. Music: Women hate tone-deaf men. Every woman has a particular taste in music and it may not always match with yours. Don’t rubbish her taste in music, instead, tell her that your taste in music is childish and that you were just about to change your music tastes to match hers. Listen to her favorite tracks with her, and encourage her to play it again if she wants to. You can pull your hair out later, when you’re alone. 

6. Sex: Do not, I repeat, do not push the woman for a physical relationship. Women are very, very careful in this matter and if you push the wrong buttons (no puns intended) you come across as a sexually-frustrated despo! Be careful! 

7. Family Values: Most women like men who have good family values. Respect her parents and her family and she will like you all the more. Never ever call her dad “Dude!” or “Old Man!” because that will being down your brownie points! 

8. Perseverance: Women like to be pursued with vigor. They hate being ‘flung’ around, if you know what I mean. Send her cute messages every day and tell her how much you like her every chance you get. There’s a thin line between being authentic and sounding desperate, and this is where you need to tread carefully. The longer the pursuit, the better your chances of winning her heart over, because you show her how much you like her and how much of an optimist you are and how much you believe in her. Trust me, it works! 

9. Fighting: Fights are inevitable in every relationship, and when there are situations where you know that the reason is trivial, just take the blame. Just tell her you’re sorry and that you won’t do such a stupid thing again. No matter how big the issue, the fault always like with the man. Ingrain this in your mind, because the moment you blame the woman for the fight and the moment you lose your temper a bit, that’s the end of the relationship. Remember, you’re the loving, caring, chivalrous knight in shining armor. You do not blame the woman! 

10. The Ex- factor: Do not, I repeat, do not maintain contacts with your ex- girlfriends while you’re pursuing a woman, or when you’re in another relationship. Take my advice on this, the reason she’s your ex- is because either one of you did not deserve the other. Women are kind of finicky in this matter, and they take umbrage when you talk to your ex- or even run into your ex- by mistake. In the words of a friend, my ex- was apparently a “dumb fuck” who did not deserve me. I tend to agree! 

Believe me, what matters most is that you should be authentic in your emotions while dealing with women. A woman is a very very clever creature, and there’s no such thing as a “dumb” woman. There’re only dumb men! They can spot your fake smile and ulterior motives mile away. I am a very strong proponent of long-term, fruitful relationships and flings are bad for health. So, remember my dear pigs men, women want authenticity.

Go ahead. May the force be with you! 

The Evolution Of Spam

A long, long time ago, when I got my first email ID on Yahoo, like the rest of the world, I was warned about something called ‘Spam’. I was told that bad people will mail me asking for my personal details and then, before I could realize it, they would steal my identity and all my money from the bank. They would sent a virus through an email and kill my computer and make my life miserable.

Of course, none of this actually happened. It was just my mum’s way of instilling fear in me.
The very first spam mail I got was from a guy claiming to be ‘Princess Charlie’ and he wrote to me about investing my money in a time-sharing apartment in Nice, Italy. This was way back in 1998. I still remember this mail because I’ve saved it. Or maybe because I haven’t opened my Yahoo mailbox very often after I created it, like the rest of the world.

A few years later, the nature of spam mails changed dramatically, and unknown people (or robots) started sending unbelievable amounts of hyperlinks in each mail. Things that read: “Click here for free antivirus! Click here for free viagra! Click here for free sex!” and so on. I remember one particular email that went on for three pages, and the entire body of the mail was hyper-linked. It was ridiculous.
Then came the African scourge. Millions of people were killed by their own family members and the lucky few who survived, got access to a computer and an internet connection and mailed everyone on the planet asking for financial help. One particular mail was heart-wrenching. A woman mailed me, claiming to have survived a bush fire in the Sahara Desert. The fire claimed her three kids along with all her money and documents. Her relatives, seizing the opportunity, drove her out of her own house because she didn’t have the documents to prove it was hers. So, she mailed me, of all people, asking for help and a chance to start a new life. Moron that I am, replied to her mail: “Are you a hot chick?” I never heard from her again.

Then came the Age of the Unclaimed Bank Account. It turns out that a lot of very rich and very dead people had bank accounts in Nigeria, of all places, and the bank manager invariably turned out to be a very generous man. I have mails from at least a dozen such manager asking for my help in transferring million of dollars of a dead guy’s assets into my country. If only I had enough money of my own, I would invest it in a Nigerian bank and die peacefully in a place crash (that would be reported in a popular news site), knowing that my millions were in the hands of such generous souls.

And now, today, we are in the Age of the Lottery. Kind, generous people all over the world are entering your email ID and Phone Numbers in unnamed lotteries as we speak and within the next few days, “…your number will win a billion GBP in the LuckyLoser Sweepstakes!” Congratulations!

Maybe its time we started a new spam trend. Maybe we should hurl abuses are total strangers just for kicks. Or death threats? Nah, might get arrested for that. Think of something new and spam-worthy, and put down your ideas in the comments here. Best one gets a free spam kiss from me.

Image Courtesy: Blogwaybaby.com

Dear foreigner, here is a guide to India

This post is not intended to hurt the sentiments of my fellow brothers but to outline the ignorance and stupidity of the "Videsi Tourists"

I've opted for the question & answer format. Here goes…

Guide those that don't know.

I will be traveling to India next week. Is it safe?

- Albert Sutherland, London

Dear Albert, India isn`t safe. We have 2000+ languages and 10+ top religions which result in a lot of misunderstanding & confusion. I wouldn`t advice you to take this extreme step right away. I would suggest, you participate in the British version of ‘Fear Factor‘, win it and then try a visit to India. Sometimes we even torture the moderator who comes in to solve our problems. Heard what happened to the UN Envoy who came in to solve India`s problems with Pakistan? Our President gifted him a starkly pungent lemon pickle, and he is now suffering it daily in Berlin. Three times a day.

After getting down at the airport what do I do?

– Margery Blair, California

Dear Margery, While getting down from the plane, feel the earth under you before keeping your foot down. Thanks to India`s enemies all over the World – Pakistan, Afghanistan, US, Sri Lanka, Russia, Osama Land etc – every step in India is a landmine. We haven`t invested in mine removers because our Government`s population control programs are anyway doing badly.

Once you get down and escape the landmines head straight for the baggage pick up area. An airlines executive who is already hand in glove with the auto rickshaw drivers & the hotels will guide you to what is best for you.

Are auto rickshaws in India safe for human beings to travel?

- Ronald Brown, New York

Dear Ronald, auto Rickshaws aren`t safe for human beings. Their drivers are always on the look out for pale skins (if you guys can call us dark skinned?!). The Indian Government has tried to curb their menace many a times but they always escape convincing the court that they are in the business of taking people for a ride. Here is a tip I can give you: Look out for a religious autorickshaw driver, because they are less likely to cheat. You can identify religious autorickshaw driver by the red (or yellow or orange depending on the sub caste he belongs to) tikka on his forehead, at least 2-3 Tulsi necklaces etc.

If I am in India for a week, where can I stay?

- Adele Becker, Berlin

Dear Adele, staying under the bridge is definitely not a good idea though you will see 10% of India living there. Staying with an Indian friend would be the best idea. Unlike many other countries where a guest needs to call up and arrive and also mention the time by when he/she will leave…in India, guests are God. Remember, this doesn`t mean that you will get to smoke and drink inside the house….especially, in front of the women. If you plan to stay for the night, you might end up sleeping with a newly married couple, two grand parents and three grand children…in a single room. It doesn`t always happen but generally by 3 a.m. the room starts smelling of Dal Makhni (pulses!).

How do I find an address in India?

- Allen Solly, Switzerland

If you have the luxury of hiring a driver, that would be the best way. But if you don`t have that luxury, the best way to find an address in India would be to get it written down on a piece of paper in Hindi or the regional language of the area (one of the 2000+ languages that`s spoken in the country) before setting out. The right people to ask for directions would be people sitting under trees, people having chai at the tea stall, people smoking at the bus stop or people just standing opposite Girls high schools & colleges. The instructions are always ‘go straight and turn right` because we Indians always believe in what is right. I would recommend confirming the directions given by Person 1 by asking a Person 2, for sometimes…we Indians consider every foreigner to be British and thus try to punish him/her for their atrocities on us for 400 years by sending them in the opposite direction.

Does India have electricity?

– Pappe Singh, Canada

Dear Pappe…no, we don`t have electricity. All those stories of India`s Information Technology Enabled Services sector worth 40 billion annually is hog wash. Our computers run on Gobar gas. The electricity is retrieved from the dung of millions of cows, and transferred to a central repository in a city called Patna (in Bihar) via thin wires attached to the rear end of every cow. If you have already visited India and didn`t spot these wires, let me assure you that these are invisible to the untrained eye. As for our bulbs & fans, we run them on what is known as Man gas, which is extracted using the same technology but the wires are fixed to the rear end of 40+ Indian men bred daily on pulses. I am surprised your parents & grand parents didn`t tell you about the bad India they left behind while escaping on horse back.

Does India have mobile phones?

- Anthony Clark, Australia

Dear Anthony…no, we don`t have mobile phones. In fact, the last phone that was photographed in India was brought in by George Bush as a gift for our Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh. But since we don`t have telecom operators, Dr Singh uses it like a watch. We all carry small drums wherever we go and convey our messages by drumming. We have codes for every possible scenario….for example, 186 loud hits on the drum mean the person drumming is in danger and 1239 hits on the drum mean the nearby building is on fire. For long distance messaging we climb a hill or one of the bridges. Sometimes we also climb trees, but that`s only if the mango season is on. However, you can bring your mobile phone to India. If it doesn`t get stolen and sold in the chor market, you can use it to check time and date.

Do they accept credit cards in India or should I carry cash?

- Maria Carter, Los Angeles

In land locked regions, it is best to carry sea shells. For instance, shop keepers in Delhi will give you anything in exchange for 10 sea shells. In coastal regions, where lifestyle is a bit more relaxed and sea shells isn`t in demand, it is best to use shiny silk cloth, cigarettes, lighters, rum bottles etc to trade. As you would have guessed by now, no…we don`t use cash…leave alone credit card. The Indian Government is trying hard to introduce currency system in the country but is unable to decide whose photograph has to be used in the notes (and the coins). As of now the country is split into two – our supporting our biggest movie star Amitabh Bacchan and the other wanting our best cricketer Sachin Tendulkar to decorate our currency.

If I don`t know the local language, what can I do?

- David Miller, New Zealand

If you don`t know the language, the best bet is to keep mum. See if you can dye your hair, apply soot on your face & hands and become one of us – dark skinned, that is. If you have already come to India with a lot of Melanin, you stand a good chance of learning our language. If you didn`t already know, we Indians offer best business opportunities to people who come in to perpetuate the 419 Nigerian scam. There is another way around…if you are a girl and are pretty, you can join a Reality Show program on television. Since you are a girl, every man on the show will come to your rescue and teach you Hindi.

Will I find medicines in India? Or should I pack everything from here itself?

- Barbara Young, Norway

Nope, we don`t have medicines. Since all our doctors are in US, UK, Canada and Gulf…we are being forced to live our life without doctors. Not that we care, we just walk up the mountain whenever we are suffering from fever, pluck the purple flowers, walk back in the heat, grind it to a paste and then eat it to cure ourselves of the viral fever. Just in case you are curious…for Typhoid, we dive deep in the sea for a particular type of Oyster. We claim to have eradicated chicken pox and polio, but it is very common to see poultry hopping around on one leg. One of the reasons why we never bothered about getting medicines into the country is because Britishers taught us to write ‘sick letters` before they left: “Dear sir/madam, Since I am suffering from fever I won`t be able to attend classes today. Please grant me one day leave. Yours obediently, XXX”

Do wild animals roam around the streets of India. I have heard India have cows…?

- Vivian Campbell, Trinidad & Tobago

Yes! Wild animals are everywhere in India. That`s why we don`t go outdoors after 6 p.m.. You should know that our wild animals have different weekday & weekend timings. On weekdays, they hunt from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. and on weekdays they retire early at around 12 midnight. The Indian Government has worked out a three pronged strategy for improving our living conditions. Our leaders have advised us to light a fire in front of our houses every evening – first it keeps the wild animals away, second it keeps us warm and third it provides light for our children to study. On the subject of cows, yes BBC is right…we do have lots of cows in India.