Return To The Bay Of Pigs!

A long, long time ago, (on my old blog), I had written a piece on how men can be more successful in wooing women. I had come across a lot of men who had complained to me about the difficulties they were facing when trying to talk to a woman or flirt with a woman.

Recently, a close stranger read this post (titled ‘Bay Of Pigs’) and decided to write a rebuttal for each of the points, this time from a woman’s perspective. What started out as an experiment in killing time soon became an insightful glimpse into the mind of women, what they think of men and what they expect from a man when he tries to flirt.

You need to read the original post for this to make sense, because in the interest of time and keeping in mind my readers with attention deficit disorders, I’ve edited those parts of this article that belong to the original.

Bay Of Pigs: Redux

(Note: The text in italicized black is part of the original post, while the text in Italics belongs to the stranger, the woman who wanted to argue. Any mistakes in spelling or grammar are entirely my own and not the fault of the guest author.)

Men are pigs.

They say that God created Man because he was bored and that He created Woman because he needed a challenge. Man is the blueprint while Woman is the masterpiece. [...] Men can consider this post as an eye-opener and take stock of what qualities they lack, and women can consider this post as an easy read and be amazed at my insight into the female mind.

Men are pigs. Truer words were never spoken!

1. Sense of humor: Most women look for funny men. But be warned, being funny does not mean cracking inane jokes and making complete idiots of yourself. It’s the wit that counts and not your ability to remember jokes. [...] Just make sure you’re laughing with them, and recognize when they’re laughing at you!

A good sense of humour does appear to be amongst the top 3 of “what women want”, and the author appears to have it figured out. I think this is what most women want. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want a man that can make me laugh as such, rather, I like it when a man can keep it simple. By this I mean, a light and easy-going conversation is favored. I am the kind of person that is rather shameless, and have no qualms about laughing at myself. Men seem to love making jokes at the expense of the ladies around them, and get terribly disappointed when it isn’t received well by their female counterpart. In that regard, I am a good subject of jokes, I would say, because I almost always laugh along.

2. Build: Women are very realistic unlike men, and they know that not all men can have a body as hot as Arnie and Stallone. [...] We men need to be realistic, and not stupidly optimistic. All women are hot, no exceptions!

Let me make this clear – most women do not aspire to be at the arm of men like Arnie; Stallone maybe, but not because of his build! Men are the only ones that want Arnie bodies. I wouldn’t want a “flabby piece of shapeless dough” (I’m shallow that way) I would like a fit guy though. Let’s face it – they’re so much more fun to look at, and show off! We women tend to look awesome pretty much all of the time (unless we’re caught in midst of beauty treatments like face masks or oily hair) and men need to realise they should at least try to live up to the standard we set so early on. Digressing from build, allow me also to add that well-groomed (which means well dressed, clean and smelling good, just in case you’re clueless) is what we’re looking for. So if you’re going to show up in denims and a sweatshirt, make sure you look cute while you’re at it, would you?

3. Chivalry: The concept of chivalry, for most men, stops at holding the door open to women. Wake up, men! That’s not all what women look for in the chivalry department. [...] It takes great skill and greater patience to hold your own and also defend her while arguing in a group.

Ah! This is the tricky one. You don’t want to be chivalrous to a point where we constantly feel like damsels with faint hearts,  but you don’t want to be so aloof that we feel like you don’t care. It has to be just the right amount. That’s all I will say here. Why should we make it easy for you all the way?

4. Possessiveness: Women like men to be possessive about them. It makes them feel special and wanted. [...] For more advice on this, mail me.

Do men actually enjoy being possessive? Oh yes, you have the whole Neanderthal way of expressing ownership. You might as well pee all over us to state we’re “yours”! I personally don’t like possessive men. If a guy were to “tell me at every opportunity that they’re….” yaaaaaaaawn.. Oh MY, I think I just dozed off there a second! No no noooo! I really don’t want to hear that, I’d probably end up punching you in the nose!

5. Music: Women hate tone-deaf men. Every woman has a particular taste in music and it may not always match with yours. [...] Listen to her favorite tracks with her, and encourage her to play it again if she wants to. You can pull your hair out later, when you’re alone.

Looking at the next point I’d like to say, mood music is very important – make it sensuous, trust me, you’ll enjoy it too (if you can get past the fact that you’re getting it on!) I don’t know about most women’s taste in music, but I’m always open to listening to new genres of music. In fact, most of the music I listen to today was introduced to me by men. If you don’t listen to death metal and the screeching, banging sort, I’m good to go. Some women really seem to enjoy sappy music, and that’s where I think you men should just take a stance and say, “hell no!” (and knock some sense into your lady’s head, please!)

6. Sex: Do not, I repeat, do not push the woman for a physical relationship. Women are very, very careful in this matter and if you push the wrong buttons (no puns intended) you come across as a sexually-frustrated despo! Be careful!

You have to tread carefully in this department. Women may say they are alright with casual sex, and want no strings, etc. but trust me, they almost always hope that strings will develop, that they dazzle you with their sexual skills, and you’ll fall in love with them. Sometimes that does happen, but I’ve noticed that men are capable of knowing the difference and maintaining it, women are NOT. I would suggest, if you really like the girl, take it at an easy pace in this department, and things will fall into place nicely.

7. Family Values: Most women like men who have good family values. Respect her parents and her family and she will like you all the more. Never ever call her dad “Dude!” or “Old Man!” because that will being down your brownie points!

What gets to me the most about a lot of Indian men is that they’re “mumma’s boys” and they want their partners to be as domestically awesome as their mothers. It’s all very well that you love your folks, in fact, I endorse it, but come on – recognize! I don’t know about other women, but that’s a big turn off for me. On the other hand, I don’t expect that my partner will get along brilliantly with my folks. It’s almost a universal fact that there will be friction between them. That’s what keeps life interesting, eh?

(On an entirely unrelated note – what exactly are brownie points? Am I allowed to cash them in for an actual brownie or two?)

8. Perseverance: Women like to be pursued with vigor. They hate being ‘flung’ around, if you know what I mean. [...] Trust me, it works!

This one’s true, makes us feel special and adds the whole romantic movie atmosphere to real life. Lots of fun! Keep it real, don’t be a big pile of mush, because that gets old real quick. We like to be shy and coy and play hard to get – it makes the whole deal feel that much more special. Indulge us, would you?

9. Fighting: Fights are inevitable in every relationship, and when there are situations where you know that the reason is trivial, just take the blame. [...] You do not blame the woman!

Don’t be irrational, that’s all. We are always right, that’s true, but we would get suspicious if you always agree – we’re smart that way. And that would lead to a whole new set of fights! So pick your battles, men, put your ego aside, in fact, maybe its best if you forget you have one, while you’re with us!

10. The Ex- factor: Do not, I repeat, do not maintain contacts with your ex- girlfriends while you’re pursuing a woman, or when you’re in another relationship. [...]

Hmmm, this one is a bit tricky. If you’re staying in the same city as your ex, and have common friends, you are bound to run into her, right? What we want to see is that you’re over her, and there is no residual anything for her. You’re better off if you cut all contact, unless you want to see us turn into raging lunatics? Oh and by the way, we’re complete hypocrites about our own exes – we will want to remain “friends” with ours, and you’re not allowed to protest. So there.

Good luck. Live long and prosper. If you didn’t understand that, you’re no fun, and you’re not a geek, which is what women want! (Or do we?)

AUTHOR’S NOTE

It takes great literary skill and greater convincing skills to get a chance to write for. To have successfully passed all the barriers and made it on to this forum, I would like to personally extend a warm greeting to the lovely stranger (who has expressed her wish to remain anonymous) for her time and effort in helping men pick up women.

One beer coming your way, ma’am.

We are open for comments, opinions and brickbats, which I will deftly deflect in the stranger’s direction.

Bay of Pigs! :)

Men are pigs.

They say that God created Man because he was bored and that He created Woman because he needed a challenge. Come to think of it, this is rather true. Man is the blueprint while Woman is the masterpiece. There have been posts and books and speeches and movies about what a woman wants in a man, but none of them match up to the extensive research that I have done on the subject. There are a variety of different aspects to a man that a woman looks for, and not all of them are very obvious. Over the past 24 years of my life, I’ve come across different women with different tastes but there are a few that are common to every woman. Men can consider this post as an eye-opener and take stock of what qualities they lack, and women can consider this post as an easy read and be amazed at my insight into the female mind. 

1. Sense of humor: Most women look for funny men, and this is where I am serious competition to most of you guys out there!  But be warned, being funny does not mean cracking inane jokes and making complete idiots of yourself. It’s the wit that counts and not your ability to remember jokes. Every situation can be turned around to your advantage while talking to women, and you need to make sure that you don’t overdo the funny-guy act. I’ve preached about this before, and I say it again – make sure you’re laughing with them, and recognize when they’re laughing at you! 

2. Build: Women are very realistic unlike men, and they know that not all men can have a body as hot as Arnie and Stallone. Women do not always look for a well-built, muscular body in a man. You may be a flabby piece of shapeless dough or you could be a thin stick, it doesn’t matter to most women as long as you can live up to the other requirements. Of course, having a sexy body comes as an added advantage.  This is where we men need to learn, and stop looking for Katrina Kaifs and Jenna Jamesons in every woman we meet. We need to be realistic, and not stupidly optimistic. All women are hot, no exceptions! 

3. Chivalry: The concept of chivalry, for most men, stops at holding the door open to women. Wake up, men! That’s not all what women look for in the chivalry department. While walking with a woman on the road, you need to let her walk on the safer side, thus ensuring that you protect her from the splash of water when a vehicle zooms by and also to ensure that you protect her from the occasional hit-and-run, by taking the hit yourself.  Chivalry also can be very subtly displayed by defending her arguments, even if you don’t believe in them, while in a group. this doesn’t mean that you become a sneaky yes-man to the woman. It takes great skill and greater patience to hold your own and also defend her while arguing in a group. Women like that in a man, someone who can argue with confidence and the moment you start backing her arguments, you become her ally. 

4. Possessiveness: Women like men to be possessive about them. It makes them feel special and wanted. Don’t overdo this, because then you would look like a psycho stalker!  Tell her at every opportunity that you’re there for her and that you’d go out of your way to help her out and make her feel that you’re an irreplaceable part of her daily routine. Again, it takes great skill to achieve this, and for more advice on this, mail me. 

5. Music: Women hate tone-deaf men. Every woman has a particular taste in music and it may not always match with yours. Don’t rubbish her taste in music, instead, tell her that your taste in music is childish and that you were just about to change your music tastes to match hers. Listen to her favorite tracks with her, and encourage her to play it again if she wants to. You can pull your hair out later, when you’re alone. 

6. Sex: Do not, I repeat, do not push the woman for a physical relationship. Women are very, very careful in this matter and if you push the wrong buttons (no puns intended) you come across as a sexually-frustrated despo! Be careful! 

7. Family Values: Most women like men who have good family values. Respect her parents and her family and she will like you all the more. Never ever call her dad “Dude!” or “Old Man!” because that will being down your brownie points! 

8. Perseverance: Women like to be pursued with vigor. They hate being ‘flung’ around, if you know what I mean. Send her cute messages every day and tell her how much you like her every chance you get. There’s a thin line between being authentic and sounding desperate, and this is where you need to tread carefully. The longer the pursuit, the better your chances of winning her heart over, because you show her how much you like her and how much of an optimist you are and how much you believe in her. Trust me, it works! 

9. Fighting: Fights are inevitable in every relationship, and when there are situations where you know that the reason is trivial, just take the blame. Just tell her you’re sorry and that you won’t do such a stupid thing again. No matter how big the issue, the fault always like with the man. Ingrain this in your mind, because the moment you blame the woman for the fight and the moment you lose your temper a bit, that’s the end of the relationship. Remember, you’re the loving, caring, chivalrous knight in shining armor. You do not blame the woman! 

10. The Ex- factor: Do not, I repeat, do not maintain contacts with your ex- girlfriends while you’re pursuing a woman, or when you’re in another relationship. Take my advice on this, the reason she’s your ex- is because either one of you did not deserve the other. Women are kind of finicky in this matter, and they take umbrage when you talk to your ex- or even run into your ex- by mistake. In the words of a friend, my ex- was apparently a “dumb fuck” who did not deserve me. I tend to agree! 

Believe me, what matters most is that you should be authentic in your emotions while dealing with women. A woman is a very very clever creature, and there’s no such thing as a “dumb” woman. There’re only dumb men! They can spot your fake smile and ulterior motives mile away. I am a very strong proponent of long-term, fruitful relationships and flings are bad for health. So, remember my dear pigs men, women want authenticity.

Go ahead. May the force be with you! 

The Evolution Of Spam

A long, long time ago, when I got my first email ID on Yahoo, like the rest of the world, I was warned about something called ‘Spam’. I was told that bad people will mail me asking for my personal details and then, before I could realize it, they would steal my identity and all my money from the bank. They would sent a virus through an email and kill my computer and make my life miserable.

Of course, none of this actually happened. It was just my mum’s way of instilling fear in me.
The very first spam mail I got was from a guy claiming to be ‘Princess Charlie’ and he wrote to me about investing my money in a time-sharing apartment in Nice, Italy. This was way back in 1998. I still remember this mail because I’ve saved it. Or maybe because I haven’t opened my Yahoo mailbox very often after I created it, like the rest of the world.

A few years later, the nature of spam mails changed dramatically, and unknown people (or robots) started sending unbelievable amounts of hyperlinks in each mail. Things that read: “Click here for free antivirus! Click here for free viagra! Click here for free sex!” and so on. I remember one particular email that went on for three pages, and the entire body of the mail was hyper-linked. It was ridiculous.
Then came the African scourge. Millions of people were killed by their own family members and the lucky few who survived, got access to a computer and an internet connection and mailed everyone on the planet asking for financial help. One particular mail was heart-wrenching. A woman mailed me, claiming to have survived a bush fire in the Sahara Desert. The fire claimed her three kids along with all her money and documents. Her relatives, seizing the opportunity, drove her out of her own house because she didn’t have the documents to prove it was hers. So, she mailed me, of all people, asking for help and a chance to start a new life. Moron that I am, replied to her mail: “Are you a hot chick?” I never heard from her again.

Then came the Age of the Unclaimed Bank Account. It turns out that a lot of very rich and very dead people had bank accounts in Nigeria, of all places, and the bank manager invariably turned out to be a very generous man. I have mails from at least a dozen such manager asking for my help in transferring million of dollars of a dead guy’s assets into my country. If only I had enough money of my own, I would invest it in a Nigerian bank and die peacefully in a place crash (that would be reported in a popular news site), knowing that my millions were in the hands of such generous souls.

And now, today, we are in the Age of the Lottery. Kind, generous people all over the world are entering your email ID and Phone Numbers in unnamed lotteries as we speak and within the next few days, “…your number will win a billion GBP in the LuckyLoser Sweepstakes!” Congratulations!

Maybe its time we started a new spam trend. Maybe we should hurl abuses are total strangers just for kicks. Or death threats? Nah, might get arrested for that. Think of something new and spam-worthy, and put down your ideas in the comments here. Best one gets a free spam kiss from me.

Image Courtesy: Blogwaybaby.com

Dear foreigner, here is a guide to India

This post is not intended to hurt the sentiments of my fellow brothers but to outline the ignorance and stupidity of the "Videsi Tourists"

I've opted for the question & answer format. Here goes…

Guide those that don't know.

I will be traveling to India next week. Is it safe?

- Albert Sutherland, London

Dear Albert, India isn`t safe. We have 2000+ languages and 10+ top religions which result in a lot of misunderstanding & confusion. I wouldn`t advice you to take this extreme step right away. I would suggest, you participate in the British version of ‘Fear Factor‘, win it and then try a visit to India. Sometimes we even torture the moderator who comes in to solve our problems. Heard what happened to the UN Envoy who came in to solve India`s problems with Pakistan? Our President gifted him a starkly pungent lemon pickle, and he is now suffering it daily in Berlin. Three times a day.

After getting down at the airport what do I do?

– Margery Blair, California

Dear Margery, While getting down from the plane, feel the earth under you before keeping your foot down. Thanks to India`s enemies all over the World – Pakistan, Afghanistan, US, Sri Lanka, Russia, Osama Land etc – every step in India is a landmine. We haven`t invested in mine removers because our Government`s population control programs are anyway doing badly.

Once you get down and escape the landmines head straight for the baggage pick up area. An airlines executive who is already hand in glove with the auto rickshaw drivers & the hotels will guide you to what is best for you.

Are auto rickshaws in India safe for human beings to travel?

- Ronald Brown, New York

Dear Ronald, auto Rickshaws aren`t safe for human beings. Their drivers are always on the look out for pale skins (if you guys can call us dark skinned?!). The Indian Government has tried to curb their menace many a times but they always escape convincing the court that they are in the business of taking people for a ride. Here is a tip I can give you: Look out for a religious autorickshaw driver, because they are less likely to cheat. You can identify religious autorickshaw driver by the red (or yellow or orange depending on the sub caste he belongs to) tikka on his forehead, at least 2-3 Tulsi necklaces etc.

If I am in India for a week, where can I stay?

- Adele Becker, Berlin

Dear Adele, staying under the bridge is definitely not a good idea though you will see 10% of India living there. Staying with an Indian friend would be the best idea. Unlike many other countries where a guest needs to call up and arrive and also mention the time by when he/she will leave…in India, guests are God. Remember, this doesn`t mean that you will get to smoke and drink inside the house….especially, in front of the women. If you plan to stay for the night, you might end up sleeping with a newly married couple, two grand parents and three grand children…in a single room. It doesn`t always happen but generally by 3 a.m. the room starts smelling of Dal Makhni (pulses!).

How do I find an address in India?

- Allen Solly, Switzerland

If you have the luxury of hiring a driver, that would be the best way. But if you don`t have that luxury, the best way to find an address in India would be to get it written down on a piece of paper in Hindi or the regional language of the area (one of the 2000+ languages that`s spoken in the country) before setting out. The right people to ask for directions would be people sitting under trees, people having chai at the tea stall, people smoking at the bus stop or people just standing opposite Girls high schools & colleges. The instructions are always ‘go straight and turn right` because we Indians always believe in what is right. I would recommend confirming the directions given by Person 1 by asking a Person 2, for sometimes…we Indians consider every foreigner to be British and thus try to punish him/her for their atrocities on us for 400 years by sending them in the opposite direction.

Does India have electricity?

– Pappe Singh, Canada

Dear Pappe…no, we don`t have electricity. All those stories of India`s Information Technology Enabled Services sector worth 40 billion annually is hog wash. Our computers run on Gobar gas. The electricity is retrieved from the dung of millions of cows, and transferred to a central repository in a city called Patna (in Bihar) via thin wires attached to the rear end of every cow. If you have already visited India and didn`t spot these wires, let me assure you that these are invisible to the untrained eye. As for our bulbs & fans, we run them on what is known as Man gas, which is extracted using the same technology but the wires are fixed to the rear end of 40+ Indian men bred daily on pulses. I am surprised your parents & grand parents didn`t tell you about the bad India they left behind while escaping on horse back.

Does India have mobile phones?

- Anthony Clark, Australia

Dear Anthony…no, we don`t have mobile phones. In fact, the last phone that was photographed in India was brought in by George Bush as a gift for our Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh. But since we don`t have telecom operators, Dr Singh uses it like a watch. We all carry small drums wherever we go and convey our messages by drumming. We have codes for every possible scenario….for example, 186 loud hits on the drum mean the person drumming is in danger and 1239 hits on the drum mean the nearby building is on fire. For long distance messaging we climb a hill or one of the bridges. Sometimes we also climb trees, but that`s only if the mango season is on. However, you can bring your mobile phone to India. If it doesn`t get stolen and sold in the chor market, you can use it to check time and date.

Do they accept credit cards in India or should I carry cash?

- Maria Carter, Los Angeles

In land locked regions, it is best to carry sea shells. For instance, shop keepers in Delhi will give you anything in exchange for 10 sea shells. In coastal regions, where lifestyle is a bit more relaxed and sea shells isn`t in demand, it is best to use shiny silk cloth, cigarettes, lighters, rum bottles etc to trade. As you would have guessed by now, no…we don`t use cash…leave alone credit card. The Indian Government is trying hard to introduce currency system in the country but is unable to decide whose photograph has to be used in the notes (and the coins). As of now the country is split into two – our supporting our biggest movie star Amitabh Bacchan and the other wanting our best cricketer Sachin Tendulkar to decorate our currency.

If I don`t know the local language, what can I do?

- David Miller, New Zealand

If you don`t know the language, the best bet is to keep mum. See if you can dye your hair, apply soot on your face & hands and become one of us – dark skinned, that is. If you have already come to India with a lot of Melanin, you stand a good chance of learning our language. If you didn`t already know, we Indians offer best business opportunities to people who come in to perpetuate the 419 Nigerian scam. There is another way around…if you are a girl and are pretty, you can join a Reality Show program on television. Since you are a girl, every man on the show will come to your rescue and teach you Hindi.

Will I find medicines in India? Or should I pack everything from here itself?

- Barbara Young, Norway

Nope, we don`t have medicines. Since all our doctors are in US, UK, Canada and Gulf…we are being forced to live our life without doctors. Not that we care, we just walk up the mountain whenever we are suffering from fever, pluck the purple flowers, walk back in the heat, grind it to a paste and then eat it to cure ourselves of the viral fever. Just in case you are curious…for Typhoid, we dive deep in the sea for a particular type of Oyster. We claim to have eradicated chicken pox and polio, but it is very common to see poultry hopping around on one leg. One of the reasons why we never bothered about getting medicines into the country is because Britishers taught us to write ‘sick letters` before they left: “Dear sir/madam, Since I am suffering from fever I won`t be able to attend classes today. Please grant me one day leave. Yours obediently, XXX”

Do wild animals roam around the streets of India. I have heard India have cows…?

- Vivian Campbell, Trinidad & Tobago

Yes! Wild animals are everywhere in India. That`s why we don`t go outdoors after 6 p.m.. You should know that our wild animals have different weekday & weekend timings. On weekdays, they hunt from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. and on weekdays they retire early at around 12 midnight. The Indian Government has worked out a three pronged strategy for improving our living conditions. Our leaders have advised us to light a fire in front of our houses every evening – first it keeps the wild animals away, second it keeps us warm and third it provides light for our children to study. On the subject of cows, yes BBC is right…we do have lots of cows in India.

The Initial days of my schooling

During my initial days in school, my father always compared me to the Prithvi missile, which was designed and developed by Defence Research and Development Organization.

I don’t know what my father’s reasoning was…but I guess it had something to do with the fact that Prithvi never hit its intended target.

“You are just like that surface-to-surface missile, Prithvi. Can’t even find Pakistan,” he would say.

It wasn’t always my mistake that my father got called to the school often. Like that time when the teacher asked me that Pencil Box question. She said: “Robin if I give you two Pencil Box and then give you two more Pencil Box…how many Pencil Box would you have?”

I said: “Five Pencil Box.”

The teacher asked this question many times and every time my answer was five. I think after the seventh attempt, she lost her cool and called in my father. My father’s answer was ‘Four Pencil Box’ and even after I reminded him that we already had a Pencil Box at home, and the correct answer was ‘Five Pencil Box’ he only gave me a stare.

Now, I could get my progress report signed on the same day it was given to me by my teachers – not because I was getting good marks, but because now my classmates had stopped borrowing it to scare their parents.

Soon, I had realized that the lesser activities I did in school, the lesser my chances of making a mistake, and thus even lesser my chances of being nailed and hanged on the wall. In order to limit the activities, I avoided eye contact with teachers and when they asked me to do anything I would re-confirm if they were talking to me.

I think I was in the fourth standard, when I became the favorite student of my English teacher. She had spent the last 15 minutes waiting for one of us to give two examples of pronoun. I tried hard to avoid eye-contact but after 15 minutes, my turn did come. She asked: “You over there….give me two examples of a pronoun.”

I was quite. I didn’t look up.

She came closer, and said: “Hello…you…look up and give me two examples of a pronoun.”

I had no choice but to look up. I looked at her, looked behind me, and looked on both my sides and then looked back at the teacher and asked: “Who? Me?”

The teacher went ecstatic. Since then I became her favorite student. Unfortunately, I was promoted to Secondary School and the teachers changed..

Maggi & Me

You probably cook Nestle`s Maggi noodles, eat it and forget it. No so in my case. This blog post is to explain why Maggi has been such a big thing for me, and my sister.

I first came to know about Maggi in 1990, when i was studying in my 2^nd standard.

Nestle had introduced Maggi in India in 1983 and by 1990 students with rich parents had started bringing them for lunch. I first tasted it when my best friend (and I forget his name now) brought it for lunch one day.

“How do you eat this?” I remember asking.

“Simple. Just hold a strand between your thumb and index finger, keep it high in the air and slide one end inside your mouth.”

We were late for our next class. Lunch had taken up a long while that day – and why not? Each strand had to be separated, held up and slid inside the mouth slowly.

With time, I became an expert at eating noodles. To tell you the truth, when my friend wasn`t looking….I would cheat. I would pick up a couple of strands and stuff them into my mouth.

Disaster struck and that rich kid left school.. I assumed his family migrated or something like that.. What bothered me most was: Will I find a friend who would bring Maggi for lunch?

We had Dynora TV back then – though this TV`s screen was only 15 inches…the TV was 40 inches wide. It was on this TV that I first saw Nestle`s advertisement for Maggi noodles. When it appeared again, I pulled my mom before the television set and said: “Mom! Look Maggi Noodles. This is what my friend used to bring for lunch.”

“Ohh…what is it?”

“It is called Maggi noodles and is very tasty. Can we buy it?”

“No putta. That`s for the rich. We don`t make that much money, yet.” The ‘yet` in her sentence gave me hope.

“But father is always at work…what does he do? Doesn`t he earn money?”

“He does putta. But we would rather buy rice so that the whole family can eat instead of buying noodles, which you will finish in two minutes.” I still remember my mom had a caring expression when she said this.

“But mom, when they say two minutes it is not about eating….it is the cooking time.”

My mom just smiled and went back into the kitchen. I stood there waiting for the advertisement to appear again. I loved the way steam escaped from the yellow bowl in which Maggi noodles were served in the advertisement. I swear I even got the aroma each time it appeared on TV.

I must have watched the advertisement at least twenty thousand times before I got my first pack of Maggi noodles – sometime in 1992. Maggi had distributed some samples in our school.

With great pride I walked into the house carrying a Maggi Noodles pack. My sister, my mother and I spent an hour looking at the Maggi Noodles pack and trying to understand the cooking procedure.

I remember my sister, a scholar at school, saying: “Looks like cooking noodles is not final exams…but unit test…if you make a mistake, there is no time to correct it.”

She was right. My mother over cooked it and after eating the three strands each that all in the family got…we came to the conclusion that Maggi noodles wasn`t a tasty snack. I had my doubts, though.

After a few years, we bought 2 packs of Maggi Noodles.

Once again, we had a conference of sorts where it was decided that my mom would cook this time. She did a fairly good job…and we had great fun. We decided to do this often…at least once every month…

After a few months of the Maggi ritual, we forgot all about it and got busy with our lives.

I have watched Maggi evolve for a decade now & it definitely has made a mark, but with preferences varying time has come once again for Maggi to evolve further in its quest of excelling in the instant noodles business with something new & wondrous.

Nestle started to advertise Maggi 2-minute Noodles during the ‘Hum Log` broadcasts on Doordarshan. Just in case you didn`t know in 1984-85 ‘Hum Log` reached 60 million TV viewers. Nestle`s plan paid off and soon enough the volume of demand for Maggi Noodles increased from none in 1982 to 1,600 tons in 1983. It would go on to become 15,000 tons in 1998. I don`t have the latest figures, but I wouldn`t be surprised if it is in the 50,000 tons range. The marketing of Maggi Noodles became a case study on how to market a new product. Taking a cue from Maggi`s success, other companies started thronging Doordarshan for program sponsorship. Thus, advertising rates went up and advertising revenues started pouring in for Doordarshan.

Growing Up!

I’m halfway through my life and questioning my existence.

With my lifestyle, I’ll be a medical miracle if I live beyond 53 or 54 years of age. And on the 29th of October, barely two months away, I will enter my 30th year. Almost half my life has gone by, and I’m sitting in the dark wondering what I’ve achieved so far and what I plan to do for the second half. I seem to be stuck at the intermission for the past few months.

When I look back on what I’ve done in my life so far, a lot of things stand out as being above average, but nothing stands out as being phenomenal. “Been there, done that,” seems to be motto I lived my life for the past twenty-nine years. Radio Jockey, journalism, salesman, writing, public relations, entrepreneur, serial dater and party freak. Now that I look back on those years, all I see is a lot of confusion. I have a goal in life and I am yet grappling with the tools needed to achieve that goal.

I think growing up sucks.

For Vivek Shauq

If it took you 5 minutes to realise who Vivek Shauq is – don’t worry, you’re not the only one. Pretty much every staff writer in newspapers across the country didn’t either; and thus copy pasted his Wikipedia entry and called it a “tribute”.

I’m learning more and more with each passing day about comedy, its history and the people who helped shape it. I’ve read pretty much every biography and/or autobiography of the comics I’ve admired and wasted hours watching their videos. (Pryor, Bruce, Martin, Mooney, Carlin, Hicks etc) And like others of my generation and socio-economic type, I’ve never really looked beyond them for my moments of inspiration and aspiration. And that perhaps, is one of the reasons legends like Vivek Shauq are overlooked - because we forget. Because while we lament the lack of comedy clubs in India or the comedy revolutions that took place in other cultures – we forget the kind of comedy we grew up with and the imprint it left on our subconscious.

I don’t have the academic depth to be able to compare the pairing of Jaspal Bhatti and Shauq with that of Western comics as is the norm in pieces like these. Nor am I able to reference old Hindi comedies or the 60s and 70s because that is not what I grew up with. I grew up with Flop Show. Looking back, those 10 episodes where this duo knocked governmental institutions, cultural beliefs, value systems and inherent ways of being and screenings of Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron on Doordarshan were what defined satire for people of my age. I have the DVD set of Flop Show. 20 years later the writing and stories still hold up and make me laugh. I’ll be glad if the shows presently on air (and the kinds I write for) hold up for even a year. And for that show alone – Shauq will be for me, a comedy legend. Without him – there would be no Flop Show, and that is the end of that.

Shauq also associated with Bhatti for shows like Ulta Pulta (another classic) and Full Tension. He also did a handful of movies in Punjabi (Mahaul Theek Hai being the most popular of the recent lot) and Hindi where his role was usually that of the crummy sidekick with a couple of lines here and there. To a lot of people his movie career took the shine off his glorious past – to me it was just part of the ballgame when you’re a small fish in the pond. Either way, his contribution – which I fear will be overlooked because of being a mere sidekick – towards Indian comedy has been immense and something we shouldn’t forget.

People always point out how great comics and musicians seem to die young. I don’t agree with that thesis at all. But if that were true, and there is some sort of a god – then I imagine he needs all these folks to humor him/her looking at the clusterfuck he created in the form of Earth. Shauq would do a stellar job.

India does not respect its artists. That comedians languish at the bottom of the artistic pile is an even bigger statement on our society. Maybe it’s because Indian comics aren’t like they used to be. (One only needs to turn on the Great Indian Laughter Challenge or watch any Bollywood flick to see the state of what sells) Maybe society hammers us into delivering what it wants and doesn’t leave us with any other options. But the one thing we can do is honour some of our unsung heroes who deserve a lot more respect and recognition than they are accorded.

To Vivek Shauq – one of the first guys who made me laugh – thank you for all the entertainment.

Valentine’s Day: A Cynical Deconstruction

Its finally here. The Day of Love. Loads of people around the world get married on this day, conceive their first-born kid on this day, break up and commit suicide on this day. I find the last two facts more fascinating, for purely statistical reasons.

I have been known by a lot of names on this blog, and ‘Love Guru’ comes to mind first. I have been known to write extensively on the subject of love, praising their beauty and snubbing their stupidity, proclaiming my life-long love for a few and announcing my denouncement of a few. I have given advice for single men and women on how to pick up members of their opposite sex and I have given advice on how to break up without driving the other person to kill themselves or worse, commit homicide. But this year, in glorified 2011, I have decided to change tracks and expound on the disadvantages of being in love, the utter stupidity of having a ‘Day’ to express your feelings and cynically deconstruct the notion of paradise.

I am not doing this out of spite. No. On the contrary, it’s taken me 28 years to understand the true nature of relationships, the flimsy, see-through negligee that people cloak their statuses with. Never have I been this clear about my thoughts and feelings. Never have I been this single.

I don’t like it one bit – the whole world waiting on one stupid day on which, eons ago, some saint was burned at the stake. There have been stories written about this day, books published, movies made and documentaries shot, and all of them talk about the same lousy thing – if you love someone, you’ll pop the question on V-day. Bullshit. If you love someone, you don’t need a “day” to do it. After all, its a fantastic excuse to get someone into bed. Apart from this, I don’t think this day has any other relevance. I pity the  poor unborn souls who get conceived each year on this day – they are either a drunken mistake, a sober mistake or a mistake of improper contraception. A mistake, nonetheless.

I hate it when people text me asking who my ‘Valentine” is. I feel like slapping the crap out of them and wishing them a happy valentine’s day. Of course, I can’t do that. Or maybe I should. Ending up in jail on assault charges seems to be the best thing to happen to someone on this day. They will be spared the nonsense that wraps the world in a dense web of stupidity, pointlessness and vague references to a vague concept called ‘Love’.

Why Marriage Is A Bad idea

I was having a very interesting conversation with my business partner the other day in KFC over Zingers, Fries, Coke and Mojitos. We discussed business for about twenty seconds and the remainder of our ‘meeting’ we spent in discussing the pros and cons of marriage. We studied and grew up together, along with a few other weirdos, and now when we looked back, most of those weirdos are either married or engaged to someone.

Nowadays, I don’t think it’s a wise idea to marry someone. There are so many things that can go wrong and so many people that can get killed, that it’s definitely not a good idea. Let me tick the reasons off one by one.

1.Show Me The Money: Women these days are not marrying for love. No sir. Gone are the days where women would fall for a guy head over heels and say, “I’ll be with you through thick and thin. I don’t care if we are poor, we’ll have each other.” Laughable thought, isn’t it? Men need to submit a resume, a statement of purpose, financial statements and visa status to the potential in-laws before getting shortlisted for a stress-test interview. If he passes these levels, then he gets to meet the girl and woo her. If she doesn’t like him, then the whole exercise would have been in vain.

2.Show Me A Good Time: A qualifying criteria for a man to be given the green light for marriage these days is his idea of a ‘good honeymoon’. If he is planning to take her abroad, then he’s suitable. If he says Ooty, Kerala or Darjeeling, then he can go there himself, thank you very much.

3.Flexible Auspicious Times: More often than not, the booking of a marriage hall becomes more a pragmatic thing than anything. These days, marriage halls in the country follow the 12-noon check-in and check-out times, and it becomes impossible to people to get an auspicious time to tie the knot in the evenings. Palms are greased and pundits are coerced into finding a right time in accordance with the marriage hall timings. If you’re a pundit / astrologer, then your reputation depends on your ability to provide flexible timings.

4.The Ex-Factor: Men and women are required to completely disassociate themselves with their ex-lovers. If, for any reason, men or women are found fraternizing with their ex-es in the run-up to the wedding, then the whole thing has a high probability of ending up in someone’s death.

These and a lot of other factors (which are 18+ and I can’t mention them here, for the benefit of those readers who aren’t mature enough), contribute to a highly volatile situation where people are not advised to get married. If you’re lucky enough to find a girl who’s got no hang-ups about a live-in, then go for it. Else, make sure you have a grave site marked out for you before you enter wedlock.

The Inner Workings Of The Female Brain

Hey there.

Its been a while since I’ve posted anything new. This atrocity on by part is partly due to my hectic schedule of lazing around and partly due to my utter disregard for other people’s schedules. Today, I’ve decided to take a walk down memory lane and remove the cobwebs from my stiff joints.

This one’s called ‘The Inner Workings of the Female Brain’, a piece I’d written a few years ago, before attaining maturity. Hope you enjoy it.

Promiscuous as the mind is – constantly searching for newer avenues and doors to sow its seeds of maliciousness – the female brain was, and remains to this day, the holy grail of understanding. Many a honest man has lost his sanity, sometimes his identity and his life, questing for the unattainable. What makes these creatures, which share such similarity with men, so different? The answer, if known, would make me a rich man. Alas, I do not. But, I did take the time to painfully assess these creatures, sometimes probing perilously close to losing my life, and have finally managed to make my observations known to the world. I warn you, dear reader, this is not for the faint of heart.

Lets begin with the most obvious thing that anyone notices with these creatures – their gait. These sapiens have a peculiar kind of a rambling walk, bordering on a strut, that makes them easier to identify in a crowded room. (Of course, the other thing that identifies them in a crowded room is their habit of dousing themselves with strange smelling fluids! But, we’ll get to that later.) The walk is their one sure way to get attention – they gyrate their body in an unearthly fashion while walking! – and they do get it, no doubt. We men being as we are, can’t keep ourselves from looking at them. The female has realized this. So, the female’s brain – which is one hundred time more advanced than ours’ – immediately latched on to this weakness of ours and the story of Pied Piper repeats itself….

Let me remind you of an interesting remark that was made by the Shah of Persia, a few hundred years ago. He said that the single, surest way of attaining salvation – both physically and mentally – is never to trust a female. Well, over time, this aphorism has lost its charm as more and more trustworthy females graced the world and drove the Shah to exile. But then, the present day situation demands more caution on the part of the male. The female brain has quickly analyzed the greatest weakness that the Y-chromosome accords to us. It is that, while the man has to spend his time, money and efforts to woo the girl, she on the other hand just has to smile, and the guy’s hers! No one has been able to satisfactorily explain this phenomenon, but it doesn’t matter, because now there is a new wave of deception tiding the planet. The female has acquired from somewhere the tools to successfully make the man abide by her whims and fancies – so much, so that if Sigmund Freud were alive today, he would have called the male populace of the planet as a “sad bunch of toilet-tissue-emulators”! Though we must be ashamed of ourselves, not to mention cautious, we’re neither, and end up being the receiving end of nitrogenous treatments meted out to us by the female.

More than everything, the female brain has evolved so quickly, that when we were still trying to make faces at ourselves by looking at our reflection in the river, the female was busy creating masks! This disturbing fact has revealed atrocious allegations against what really went on in the Garden of Eden.  She has learned to mask her true emotions so well, that we really feel baffled when she can smile so sweetly at us, hold our hand so warmly, look into our eyes with her lovely eyes and say, “Get lost, you jerk!”

Ever seen women slap a man? Well, I have, and trust me; it’s not a pretty sight. (I have been on the receiving end of many a slap, though that’s not important to the story right now!) Every time she walks away after slapping the jerk, he holds his bruised cheek in his hands and dreamily stares after the departing female and sighs. He says, “I think she likes me…” We men will never improve.

Coming to the gewgaw that these creatures allow themselves to be part of, the smelling fluids I talked about earlier. Neither countless like-minded fools nor me have ever understood the reasons behind this strange phenotypic character. The female bathes in what are known to be “perfumes” – the very word should have made her shy away from it, because in Greek, “per-“ means toxic and “fume-“ means stench. Well, please try to explain this phenomenon. Something really smells fishy, doesn’t it?

The day the mystery of the female brain is solved, it’ll be Genesis: Chapter 1 all over again! But, lets be honest to ourselves. The day is never going to come. We men will remain the scum of the planet for at least another millennium. Feminism is indeed significant, but it should never border on chauvinism.

Need vs. Want

It seems everyone around me is doing it. People I least expect to do it are doing it and it makes me feel a bit left out. No, they aren’t doing it, in the literal sense of the phrase. They’re getting tattoos done on their bodies, and I thought I should get one myself.

The funny thing about making up one’s mind about body modification is the fact that no matter how much one jokes about it, it has to be taken seriously. A tattoo is a permanent thing, and to take it lightly might result in being stuck with the mistake forever. Yesterday, I was having a very mature conversation with a close friend of mine (who used to blog before she ditched the country and ran away to hide under the Queen’s skirt in the United Kingdom). She told me that she’ was getting a tattoo on her back, under the neck and asked for my suggestions about the words.

I somehow managed to turn the conversation thread into whether or not I should get one and if I did, what it should be. It also got me thinking later if it’d be a mistake to get one. I consulted another friend of mine who’s crazier than most crazy people, and she said that I’d be crazier than her if I got a tattoo. Now that’s not the kind of branding I want for myself. Another argument against getting a tattoo is the fact that I only want to get one because I’m bored in life and want to do something insane, and that I don’t really NEED a tattoo. In the past, when life got to monotonous, I have quit my job, I have gone on long vacations, I have gone on a spending spree, I have moved houses. This time, none of these options seem viable.

The counter-argument to this is I’m feeling left out and desperately want to be part of the tattoo’d crowd.

Now, 48 hours later, I’m still vacillating about this. Should I get one? Or should I just let it be and latch on to some other passing fancy? Help!