Hut, DLF, and Road Rage.
Here we go…
1. Don’t buy anything without bargaining. Nothing. It is just against the
Indian spirit. If your kid asks for a school trip to Egypt, propose
Aurangabad. If he turns out to be a bargainer, raise the offer to Jaipur.
2. Have lots of kids. You must have a doctor, a lawyer, a police officer,
and a magistrate in the family. Can’t rely on outsiders anymore.
3. Do not watch TV. The “K” channels dedicated to the cause of social
injustice and women empowerment; you’ll get bored. Krishi Darshan on DD is
more entertaining.
4. Forget that you have a middle finger. We are a peace loving country; no
obscenities here please.
5. Chai-Paani is not really tea and water. Seriously, who would drink tea
and water together? Even kids know what it means.
6. The media is the new government. If you lose as much as a dog, just call
up Aajtak. If you can convince them to take up your cause, rest assured a
dog will be found, yours or not.
7. When in trouble, claim you are from the media. Nobody messes with the
media.
8. Get blocked on Twitter by Chetan Bhagat. You don’t belong to the
intelligentsia till you can offend the greatest writer of our times enough
to grant you this status symbol.
9. Everything can be outsourced in our country. Get a maid, a cook, a
driver, a gardener, a body guard, someone to pick your trash. You’ll even
find a qualified people to walk your dogs. They are aplenty, and come
cheap.
10. It is not law and order. Its law and disorder. Never bother calling up
100. Most likely it will go unanswered, which truly is the best case
scenario for you.
11. Do not argue with your sabzi-wallah (vegetable vendor). If he gets
pissed, he will just not sell to you but also make sure no sabzi-wallah
sells you either.
12. Anything can be blamed on Pakistan. Didn’t do your homework – the
Pakistanis stole it. Made mistakes in the homework – the Pakistanis stole
it and returned a wrong copy.
13. While out and about, make sure you know the name of the area
ACP/DCP/Head Constable. If a cop stops you, claim that Mr ACP is your
maternal uncle. And please please please also hope the person you name
isn’t the one who has stopped you. In which case, god be with you.
14. Don’t go out during the day. Too much traffic. Also, don’t go out in
the night. There’s rapists everywhere.
15. Know your cricket. You must know the names of all IPL teams,
Tendulkar’s test average, and the marital status of all Indian players. A
strong opinion on match fixing will be helpful. If you think short leg is
related to a flat foot, then this one needs a lot of work.
16. Never crib about how bad things are in India. Especially if you are a
non resident. We don’t like outsiders blowing the cover.
17. You can never bad mouth Shahrukh Khan. He has a private army of
millions all over the country. For your own safety, claim to be an SRK fan
wherever you go. Add that to your introduction. “Myself, Robin Almeida. 5
years experience in Java, including 4 months and 12 days onsite. Big fan of
Shahrukh Khan.”
18. You will be frisked wherever you go. The mall, the movies, the metro,
haldirams, the library. Everywhere. Don’t complain – it’s for your own
good.
19. If you believe in god, rest assured you will lead a happy life in
India. With over a million gods, you can get a dedicated hot line to one of
them. Just make sure you do the needful at the local place of worship.
There. Follow these tips and you will live happily ever after. Just don’t
forget my chai paani for showing the path.
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