Trains in India are usually divided into three categories:
Executive Class coaches are badge A - for Arrogant, because that’s usually
how the uptight passenger behaves like when his Veg. platter has one pea
too little.
Economy/AC Chair Car coaches are sometimes labeled B - for Bechaare.
Bechaare roughly translates to poor souls. This is because they book AC
tickets thinking they'll travel in luxury that regular people can’t afford,
but end up getting stuck between fat aunties whose garnished suits itch and
whose wailing babies replicate the sound of Himesh Reshammiya.
Third is the Sleeper class - christened S. Need not explain more
For an authentic Indian railway experience - one must always travel S
Class. And for that, here are some key things to keep in mind.
1) Just because you have a seat doesn't mean you can do what you want with
it. Any random person will come and ask you to "Please adjust" even if you
don’t want to. Especially old women. DO NOT be nice to them. They are using
old age as an excuse to cheat the government of its taxes - hence making
them anti-national.
2) If you’re visibly Muslim (i.e. wearing an outfit) and not travelling
between heavily concentrated poorer areas - be prepared to be stared at and
maybe questioned.
3) If you are a Sikh travelling in an A or B class - you are expected to
wear tight jeans. If you are a Sikh travelling in S class, you are expected
to order butter chicken as a complimentary meal.
4) If you are Hindu - no matter what class you travel - you are expected to
pray 40 times within a one hour period while praising Rahul Gandhi.
5) If you are Christian – no matter what class you travel - you’ll hardly
find any Christians with big families (unless of course you’re travelling
Matsyagandha Express from Mumbai to Mangalore). They would any day prefer
roadways more than railways.
6) If you’re travelling down south - you will be woken up at 4 AM by a guy
shouting "Kapi" in your ear.
7) If you’re travelling up north - you will be woken up at 4 Am by a guy
shouting "Chai" in your ear.
8) If you are travelling anywhere above Mumbai excluding the North East -
there is a 65% chance of getting accosted by Eunuchs in the S class. Please
keep your money ready or prepare to get the craziest lap dance in history.
9) Trick: In any Indian train which serves food - they will ask if you want
Veg or Non Veg food. Always ask if they have a "Continental" meal. For 10
rupees more it’s the cleanest and tastiest thing you can have which is
normally reserved for frequent travelers.
10) Never EVER step near the pantry unless you want to realize that the
crispy almond in your salad was a sun-dried cockroach.
11) Practice Yoga before your train journey. It is critical to be able to
balance yourself while using the bathroom. The margin for error is less
there.
12) Avoid washing your face early morning near the public sink unless you
want to see random men adjusting their pants and hair from the night before
in full amphitheatre view.
13) Never stand near an open door for too long. That lovely fresh smell of
crops can quickly turn into a hard tilted electricity pole that will take
your head off.
14) Never pay attention or make faces at little kids who keep staring at
you as if you are a Chicken drumstick. Like stray dogs, the more you humor
them, the more they pester you.
15) Fluttering eyelashes go a long way if you have to adjust seats.
16) Twist your mineral water bottles after consumption so they can’t be
reused and don’t expect to reach anywhere on time.
And finally, whenever you get a chance, take a flight instead.
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